Having great communication skills“>communication skills is critical to your success in life…
Transforming communication is a series of seminars that show you how you can radically improve your relationships, simply by changing the way that you communicate.
“Can it really be that easy?” I hear you ask…
Transforming communication takes skills that you are already an expert in using and shows you how to apply them more effectively. What this means is that you get more results for the same or less effort.
So how do you do that ?
Well first you have to understand that you are taught to communicate in a way that doesn’t use cooperative strategies. You have been taught by just about every body that you ever knew or met, that everyone else, is “different” to you…
Now in some respects that is a true statement…Everyone is unique…However, what you were never taught to take account of, is the ways that you are similar to others. except of course in times of major conflict , such as war. where your leaders unite you against the “common enemy.”
Unfortunately the common enemy’s leaders are also saying the same about YOU.
There are different types of conflict. Three to be precise…
Understanding what they are is the first step in discovering ways that you can resolve those issues in such a way that everyone wins. When everyone wins there are no feelings of resentment or anger, because the other person got the better of you.
There are also no feelings of guilt because you got the better of the other guy.
This is important because most conflicts ( which are really just disagreements about who has the most important values ) come about because of
1/ a lack of understanding of what is being requested
2/ A lack of agreement about the use of resources ( conflict of needs )
3/ A conflict of values where the underlying ethics of each person are so far apart that they seem irreconcileable. ( In most instances, this is not the case )
What transforming communication teaches is ways that you can cross those chasms of communication, that seem unbridgeable, and also how to make all your relationships more satisfying…
Michael and Evelyne
PS if you have any questions about how you can use Transforming Communication to improve your relationships you can contact us using the contact form…
Transforming Communication Interview Part 1
By · CommentsThis is the first part of the transcript of an interview we conducted with Dr Richard Bolstad, the original creator of the Transforming Communication seminar. We interviewed him in the summer of 2006 in Bangkok, just after he did a training in Chiang Mai, Thailand. We were lucky to catch him on his way to Japan, and we had to use all the communication skills that are taught in Transforming Communication.
Richard is a master NLP trainer, and we are very fortunate to have trained with him.
Michael: Hello everybody and today I’m introducing Dr Richard Bolstad who is the creator of the Transforming Communication course. So, welcome Richard.
Richard: Thanks, Michael, great to be here.
Michael: Can you tell me a little bit about your background and how you came to be sitting here today.
Richard: Sure. It was quite a journey for me to come to be running the Transforming Communication training and training people to run it because I have several professional backgrounds. I trained as a teacher in New Zealand, and I trained as a nurse in fact and as a psychotherapist.
What I noticed was when I was working with people individually that a lot of the problems that people have in their live stem from the fact that they are not clear on how to create cooperative relationships. And one of the things that we know from the research is strongly correlated with happiness in life is the ability to create those kind of relationships, not just at work but personally of course, intimate relationships that feel cooperative, that work for both people.
Michael: So, this was part of the reason you created the TC, or transforming communication course?
Richard: Right. I had some dramatic experiences myself which led me to decide that this was an important thing to focus on, and one of them was that I’ve worked a little in Eastern Europe. I trained for a couple of years, I went over and trained each year in Bosnia Herzegowina, both in Sarajevo, and on the other side in the Republic of Serbska.
And the other place where my material is being used continuously is in training psychologists around the area of Chechnia. And I guess when I first saw those places it was clear to me:
In real life this is one world that we live in, and the quality of our relationships, the quality of what goes on in our organisations around the world is actually of interest to all of us, is important to all of us.
I’m a parent, I’m a grandparent and I feel I have a stake in the future here. And so I’m really interested in creating a world that would be a better world for my grandson to live in as well. And in my own experience, of course, I run a company and previously I’ve worked in a number of large organisations in New Zealand.
And one of the things that became very clear to me there was that the most significant blockage that companies experience when they’re trying to increase productivity, when they’re trying to get ahead in their own field, is the fact that often the people who are good at running their company, or are good at doing the things inside the company, don’t know so much about, again, how to create those relationships that’ll make that work.
So, it’s the arguments, it’s the longstanding unresolved disagreements, those are the things that are holding them up.
Now, that becomes particulary dramatic when you look at a government situation. I’ve worked with several of the organisations that are part of the New Zealand government. And there again, this ability to communicate is crucial to the success of those kinds of public organisations.
Michael: Okay, that’s great. So, what makes Transforming Communication different to say assertiveness training or other similar courses?
[...to be continued...]
And this of course is what we all want to know. What makes Transforming Communication different? Is there a difference at all? How can we use communication skills differently to get different results? We will explain all this in the next part of the interview.
Keep your eyes peeled…
And here’s now the link the the second part of the interview where Richard talks about who this course would be useful to, and, very importantly, what makes this course different from all the other communication skills courses that are out there.
Transforming Communication- what it’s all about….
By · Comments
We’ve recently moved Transforming communication.com from Sitesell here to wordpress because we think that there’s more flexibility in the wordpress software…
Posted below is the old home page from TC ( our shortened name for transforming communication ).
We are all looking forward to giving you more value in the new revised format. We hope you enjoy it and find it valuable.
First class communication skills are the hallmark of the world’s most successful people. They touch, move and inspire others to aid them in their cause. Whether it is in the field of business, education, health care or personal relationships.
If you’re like most people then perhaps you can’t quite figure out why your plans don’t always work out the way you want. Why your relationships sometimes are more difficult then you want them to be. Why your friends seem more successful than you.
Maybe, just maybe, there’s something, so simple, that you’re not doing that’s holding you back.
transforming communication will take you through everything you need to know to be able to….
* Set goals that are achievable
* Quickly and easily build rapport with others
* Easily communicate your needs to others
* Influence others without any resistance
* Create win-win relationships where everyone gets what they want
* Resolve conflicts easily without threats or punishment
* Have better relationships which means less stress
THINK ABOUT IT…!
One of the key features of successful communicators is their ability to get people on their side. To have others working with them and for them. To create win-win situations by stating their goals and plans clearly. By negotiating deals that work for everyone.
Think about it… Every politician, every entrepreneur, everyone in a happy successful relationship. They are all great communicators.
They all know…
Every form of success is a joint venture.
Think about that…
That’s why it’s so important to learn these skills ?
Could it be that your skills need an overhaul ?
Transforming communication is an online course that is focused on getting you the skills you need to join the ranks of the successful. The seminars were developed by Dr. Richard Bolstad and Margot Hamblett to assist people in learning the skills of success.
Transforming Communication was developed from the fields of conflict resolution models, solution focused communication and NLP, or neuro linguistic programming.
These skills are essential if you want to achieve the success you deserve.
Here’s what Steve Andreas, one of the co-developers of NLP says about Richard,
“Richard Bolstad is one of the finest NLP trainers I know. Besides being personable, engaging, and high energy, he is very skilled, with a rare breadth and depth of knowledge that is detailed and ecological. He is very open to and welcoming of feedback, which I think is one reason why he is so capable.”
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Michael Noone and I am an NLP master practitioner and instructor for this course. I was trained by Dr. Richard Bolstad.
View Michael Noone’s profile on LinkedIn
My background is in psychology and trans-personal counselling. I was a partner in the Whitecroft counselling practice in South East London for many years and have assisted hundreds of people to get the life that they want. I am also a certified life coach, wealth coach and a wealth dynamics master practitioner.
If you admire and respect those who are confident public speakers , you too can find that confidence.
( funnily enough, the majority of Americans are less afraid of dying than speaking in public )
( The only worse fate is dying while speaking in public )
Maybe you look up to your friends who can assert themselves and create situations where everyone is happy about the outcome. See yourself doing the same thing…!
Maybe you think that you can’t learn these skills. Perhaps you think that your not smart enough.
If you can read this, you can learn these techniques. You learned to speak by copying what your parents said. You learned to smile when you want something. ( and cry when you don’t like something )
It’s that basic.
So how can you create win-win situations… ?
Part of your success strategy should be to understand exactly what you want. You should also be able to understand the views of those that you interact with.
AND
While negotiating skills are critical for success.Understanding the position of the other party, is even more important.
T.C as the course is known, teaches not just the skills of negotiation it also teaches how to become clear on the specific results that you want, so that you achieve them easily.
You will also learn, easily, about your communication with yourself and why
IT’S SO IMPORTANT TO KNOW THIS .
We’re not talking about positive self talk , here…
What we’re saying is that until you know exactly what you want;until you are able to state it clearly; unless you are able to do it easily and confidently, knowing that you will be heard and understood…
YOU’RE PLAYING WITH HALF A DECK
Imagine being able to go into a situation, totally prepared. Your objectives set out and your boundaries defined, completely centered and totally relaxed.
As you will discover, it’s not only what you say to others.
The real secret is in what you say to yourself…
So isn’t NOW the best time to start giving you and your world the messages you need to succeed.
Transforming Communication.com is dedicated to your excellence and strives to give you the best training we know. We have already set out our outcomes. They can be stated simply as….
“Creating a happy world that people want to live in…”
HOW CLEAR ARE YOU…?
The Art And Science Of Communicating Effectively
By · Commentscommunication skills training should serve several purposes. Some of you believe that communication skills are only about talking more effectively in almost every situation I say almost every situation because there are some encounters that you have in life where the smart thing to do is to run. Even theKung Fu masters teach that…”
Fortunately for most of the challenges that you meet in your life there is no need to run for your life
What is it that you should learn on a communications skills training
It is important that you consider what it is that you want to communicate, before you do anything else What is The result or outcome from this interaction? Once you have worked this out you will know the reason for making the effort to communicate
What is the best “state” that you can be in to approach the other person.The word “state” has some very specific meanings which I will outline for you below
State simply refers to your physical, mental and emotional condition. Obviously if you are going to discuss a debt problem with your bank manager then being in an angry state would not be useful… Being relaxed and prepared to listen about how you can work together to solve your issues would be a useful state.
You would also want to buildempathy and establish mutual goals with those you wish to relate to. You could do this by working out common aims and values ie: if Xhappens then does that means that Ywill happen.
You would build the respect and understanding by using rapport skills such as matching and mirroring and this may also include kinaesthetic , auditory and watching the other person as a way to build rapport .
mutual respect is the fastest way to achieve trust and understanding with those you are in a dialogue with.
It would also be useful to be in a relaxed stateas that will affect how you are seen. This can be done by using an NLP technique known as anchoring, which is a variation on what pavlov did with his dogs ( Minus the bell though I guess you could use a bell too if you really wanted to. )
One of the most important things that a communications skill training teaches you is which person really has the problem That is to say.. “Which one of us is unhappy with this situation?”
The reason to establish who owns the problemis because this knowledge will determine what method you will use to resolve any issue.
There are severalof these strategies.
They include I messagesand reflective listening.These are the skills that you will use when YOU are the one who is unhappy
When the other person owns the problem then you would use rapport and attending skills and also use a problem solving strategy. Reflective listening is extremely good for this. And when it is used correctly the other party fixes their own issues which is really cool as that means you don’t have to do it for them.
When you both own a problem then you will need completely different communication skills. These include
win win resolving conflict skills values influencing; modeling; and consulting.
lets look at these one at a time.
Values influencing.is where you will seek out common values that are important to both of you so that you then have some common ground to start. reaching agreementYou can also show the other person that these values are important to you
Which brings me to the next skill which is demonstrating what’s important to you
Modeling in a communication skills context simply means walking your talk… You will demonstrate the values and behaviors that work for you and hopefully the other person will be inspired enough to alter their behavior enough and you can both live with it.
There are two other things that you can do when you’re not happy with someone elses actions
The first of these is consulting which basically means 1/ being a knowledgeable expert and 2/getting hired. This is way too complex to go into here as this is the subject of the transforming communication training seminar. If you get these two things right you stand a chance of being a consultant….
The final thing you can do when all else fails is to change the relationship.
Transforming Communication Interview Part 4
By · CommentsHere’s part 4 of the Transforming Communication interview with Richard Bolstad.
In part 3, Richard described that, when they taught these communication skills to the teachers of one of the schools, a surprising thing happened. The big challenge the teachers had with the students that caused problems in the class room disappeared. The students had no longer any conflicts with each other anymore, and the students weren’t even taught the skills. It was how the teachers approached the students and responded to them that worked the changes.
And here’s the next part now:
Richard: Exactly that. So what we showed those teachers what to do was how to create the kind of relationships towards their students that they wanted their students to have with each other.
Now you can imagine then, as I said, we have research about these skills that comes from the fields of working with couples. So that’s another whole area. That’s a pretty exciting area to be working with as well.
Where people nowadays would like to think that they can create a longlasting couples relationship and they know that there’s around a 50 percent chance in the Western world that those relationships are not going to last. So, that’s the real situation that they’re in and they probably also know that if they go to a councellor about that, that in most cases that’s not going to help. So, most of the people who go to a marriage or relationship councellor are going to find that in the next two years that their marriage finishes, that their relationship finishes.
So, I want to be able to help people to do better than that as well in that area.
There are so many differently places where these skills can be taught. In New Zealand we have the Theological College which trains ministers from Christian churches around the Pacific. And they are all trained in transforming communication now. So that means that we have this group of people out there who are doing pastoral councelling, who are building a community of people together, and they have the skills to create cooperative relationships in that kind of community. That’s another whole area for this.
I work with some large corporations in New Zealand, and there I’m working basically with management. What I’m again focussing on is how they create a team that achieves things because people want to come to work. From the research on what keeps people in the same job, if we check, and that’s a big issue in the world today, will these people that you’re training and spending money on now be here even in your organisation in five years? Here’s what we find: it’s not the money that you pay them that’s going to keep them there. When they wake up in the morning and they think: do I want to go to work, one of the biggest thing on their mind is: is this the kind of group that I want to be in for the day.
Michael: Would another way of saying that be: it’s the kind of relationships that they have at work that affect the quality of their working life?
Richard: Absolutely! That’s what affects their motivation most of all. That’s what excites them. That’s what gets their juices running in the morning and makes them work productively. And the other thing is: when they are excited about cooperating together, they don’t get into that kind of longterm frustration that happens when they feel like: well, there’s someone in here who just doesn’t understand me, or there’s someone in here who, no matter what you say, they’re going to come down heavy on you, or something like that.
So, the range of places where we teach these skills is phenomenal; it covers pretty much every relationship that you could think of. I could give you examples from fairly much every sector of society.
We train high school students themselves to use these skills. So that’s another way of applying it, it’s actually to teach children these skills from the age of around 10 or 12 onwards. And what a great thing because, as you listen to the things that I’m describing, I hope you would think: well, that must be pretty remedial, why don’t we get that when we are kids, why don’t we learn how to do this when we’re young enough so that we don’t have to sort of rebuild relationships after we’ve lost our first marriage, after we’ve lost our first team together, that kind of thing.
****** to be continued
How would your life look like, how would you feel if you had learned these communication skills when you were a child? How much less conflict would you have now? And how much more easily could you deal with conflict in a constructive way, rather than getting stressed, angry and frustrated?
Think about that! What would your world be like?
Next week I’ll put the next part of the interview up.
Stronger Communication Skills In Your Work Place
By · CommentsIn today’s economy, businesses across the globe are starting to think how they can become more efficient. Obviously, cutting basic expenses like phones and printing are the first step. You can also save time and money by having better communication skills.
Better and more referrals, less sickness and other downtime for employees, and less conflict between your employees are just a few of the benefits that better communication in your business brings.
Let’s isolate just one communication element to see how this could benefit the company: assertiveness.
When you are able to express your feelings and assert yourself all the while respecting the rights and feelings of others, this is called being assertive. When communicating assertively, you communicate in a direct, open and honest way, and you clearly express your position to the other person.
Just think of all the benefits that can bring to your business. When you communicate in a concise, clear and efficient way, you will reduce misunderstandings. This means that the more assertive you are in your communication, the more mistakes you can avoid. This also means that you upset less customers.
Are you familiar with phrases like, “I thought you meant…” or, “now I understand…”? When you are assertive, these phrases disappear.
Another benefit will be less stress because when you’re assertive you tend to have fewer conflicts in your dealings with others. And this means you have less mental and physical stress. And think what fewer conflicts could mean to the staff: they feel more empowered and better about themselves. As a consequence, they are likely to take less sick leave.
You can solve problems more quickly, and so get more repeat business from happy customers. Frustration, resentment and tensions that block excellent performance among staff are reduced.
You tend to be more supportive of others because assertive people respect the needs of others. With assertive communication you will be able to help others get their needs met as well as your own. You can quickly negotiate an agreement for a perfect win-win solution. All parties then feel good about the solution and your clients will notice the difference.
After attending the transforming communication seminars, people reported that the effects of improved communication skills were immediately noticeable. The dynamics in relationships in the work place and in the home have changed. There’s been more clarity, more certainty, and less strain between people.
Transforming Communication Interview Part 3
By · CommentsThey call them “soft skills”, these communication skills.
Well, I can’t see anything soft about them. They are hard-hitting, as you can read in this third part of the interview with Richard.
By the way, here’s the link to the second part of the interview, in case you haven’t seen it yet.
Ok, in the second part, Richard was talking about when he ran the transforming communication seminar in a school and the changes that were then experienced. And there was a surprise…
Now the interesting thing about this was that we didn’t just get results with the teachers; we expected that, we were training the teachers. At the end of six months one of the things they said was that there was a group of students that those teachers all identified at the beginning were their biggest problem. They said:
“the most we want to get out of this course is to deal with those students who don’t do what we ask them, who are not interested in education, who don’t want to be in the room.”
At the end of six months, when we asked them:
“So what things are happening in your classroom, what things would you want to change?”
that group of students had simply disappeared. There were no students in the class anymore who fitted that description. We expected that.
But here’s the next thing: what we then found was in the questionaires with the students, the students reported after six months that they no longer had the conflicts with each other that they had before that time. And they had not even been through the training. They had simply experienced consistent teaching from that group.
So we compared them to students who were going through with teachers who had not done our training. And the difference was dramatic. The school that we were doing this study in already had a programme in place to deal with bullying, one of the big problems in schools that I find around the world when I’m teaching. But that programme that the school had in place wasn’t dealing effectively with bullying in the other areas. And here’s the reasons:
The teachers’ only method for dealing with students was essentially to bully. And then they would tell the students: don’t bully. That doens’t work…
Michael: …the pot calling the kettle black…
Richard: Exactly that. So what we showed those teachers what to do was how to create the kind of relationships towards their students that they wanted their students to have with each other…
***
So, these so-called “soft skills”, these communication skills can be applied in virtually every area of your life. In what area of YOUR life would you want to see better relationships? Where would more harmony make your life more enjoyable? And where would more balance bring you more happiness?
Next week, I’ll put another part of the interview up. Until then, think about what it would be like if you had the relationships that you really deserve.
Transforming Communication Interview Part 2
By · CommentsHere’s the next bit of the interview we conducted with Dr Richard Bolstad. He’s going to talk about who this course would be useful to, and, very importantly, what makes this course different from all the other communication skills courses that are out there. This last point will be visited throughout the whole interview so that you get a sense of how revolutionary the course actually is.
Here’s the link to the first part of the Interview.
As you remember, last week we left you with Michael’s question…
Michael: Okay, that’s great. So, what makes transforming communication different to say assertiveness training or other similar courses?
Richard: Yeah, that’s a good question, too, because a lot of people will have done something like assertiveness training, or done some kind of listening skills course. And what they’re learning there is some very specific skills that are often quite useful. What I’m doing with Transforming Communication is putting those sorts of skills in a much wider context.
And so I’m not so much just interested in giving people a set of skills for getting what they want, which sometimes happens with assertiveness training, and I’m not so much interested in giving them a set of skills just to help someone else clarify and feel good. I’m actually interested in helping them create a whole relationship that works.
From the research with couples, for example, John Gottman in America has done a lot of research over the last ten years about how couples actually get on. And one of the things he showed quite clearly is that the quality of the atmosphere between the couple determines how long those people will stay together. And that quality isn’t just about learning even how to resolve conflicts. It’s about the whole relationship, it’s about how they talk to each other. And he found that you could reliably predict from listening to any 3-minute segment of conversation between a couple whether they’re going to stay together for the next year.
Now that’s quite exciting because it means that we are now starting to learn not just someone’s theory about what’s making a relationship work, but actually what you specifically say, what you specifically do when you’re in a relationship that enables two people to get on with each other, cooperate, achieve things together, and want to stay together longterm.
And that same research of course applies in the corporate environment for example.
Michael: Wow. So that sounds like really powerful stuff.
Richard: It is. It’s dramatic. And I think it’s probably the first time in history when we’ve had this good information about how that works. Everyone has known that some people are a little better at creating cooperative relationships, are a little better at getting on with people, and people have different theories about that. But what we have now is tried and tested information about it, we have research and Gottman’s research with couples for example, he would take a hundred couples and video them over an entire weekend. And so while he’s watching them on the video, afterwards reviewing it, he’s able to check in real life what actually makes a difference if he follows these couples up for the next year, what decides when people stay together.
Michael: Okay, so … I know you’ve kind of touched on it briefly: who would the course be useful to?
Richard: Well, the range is phenomenal. And, so, as I mentioned I worked with the New Zealand government. Here is a whole series of people, groups of people who are doing important things in New Zealand, and they’re making important decisions, and they’re trying to make those decisions together. I worked with the top management of the Inland Revenue in New Zealand, I’m working at present with the people in the Treasury in New Zealand there, and what they’re wanting to know most of all is: how do we create an environment where we can listen to each other, where we can cooperate with each other, and actually achieve the things we came here to do. And so, one of the things that impressed me when I started working with those organisations at the government level was, I had the idea perhaps these are such serious people that cooperation is a little almost like touchy feely for them. And what happened with Inland Revenue was I said: well, I introduce you to some of these skills, to the top management there, and I’m not really sure that you want the other skills. So, we did the first part of the course, and then they said: well, tell us what’s in the second half because it’s starting to get interesting. So then I introduced them to a couple of the processes that they would learn in the second half of the course. And immediately they said: we’ve got to have that.
So, you know, that’s in that setting. Another group I work with in New Zealand is the Retailers Association. So, there I’m working with sales people. It may surprise people who are not in the sales game to realise that actually sales is about cooperation. It’s not about one person twisting someone else’s arm. Because when that happens the other person wants to leave as soon as they can. It’s actually about creating a cooperative relationship with with someone. One that they end up feeling good about, one that they please with the results of. And so, those people from the Retailers Association wanted my skills for two things: the first thing is, they want to use this with their clients. They want to build a relationship so that the person doesn’t just buy from them once, but becomes a regular customer and comes back.
The second thing is: they know themselves that it’s not just them who are going to work in their shop. They are retailers, they have other people coming in and working there, and the quality of that person’s relationship with clients depends on how the manager gets on with them. So, there’s kind of a flow and effect.
Let me give you another example. I run this training as well for teachers and people in the education system. There again, the quality of the relationship from the centre of the organisation affects the periphery of the organisation. I did a research study one time, in a high school. What we did was, we ran the Transforming Communication training for a group of teachers in this high school. We did a careful questionaire before; it was a questionaire for all of the students, and we ran a questionaire with all of the teachers as well. Then we followed up 3 months and 6 months later, and found out what was happening…
***
…And it’s really interesting what happened in that school. To find out read the next part of the interview next week.
Until then, think about what would happen if YOU changed some of your communication skills and how you could transform your communication to get the results you want.
UPDATE: Just put part 3 of the interview up. Here’s the link: http://www.transformingcommunication.com/communication-skills-training/transforming-communication-interview-part-3/