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Welcome to module 4.1 Return to Dashboard
The helping skill we’re about to learn is the single most important verbal skill we teach on the course. It’s the skill which effective facilitators, group leaders, counsellors and consultants use more than any other, and of course it goes under many names: “active listening”, “reflective listening”, “paraphrasing”, “the understanding response”, “verbal pacing” and so on.
In a previous module we discussed how to build rapport by ‘pacing’ or ‘mirroring’ enough of the other person’s behaviours so they feel understood, but not distracted. Reflective listening is the verbal part of this process. To reflect you simply restate the basic idea or feeling in what another person has said. This helps each of you to know whether you’ve understood them. It also tells them that your intention is to understand and accept what they said. If done well it helps the person clarify their own thoughts and feelings.
Naturally, you’ve done this many times when listening. It’s no newer to you than asking open questions, and like questioning, you can greatly improve your ability to do it.
In order to give you an example of how it works though, I’d like you to do a simple roleplay.
For the purposes of this roleplay, get together with a friend who will play with you. For this roleplay your friend is a 12 year old child of yours. They’re about to tell you something that lets you know that they “own a problem”. Specifically, they’ll say that they never want to go to school again. You’ve just been to this Transforming Communication course, and you think to yourself “My goodness; this kid owns a problem! Time to use my attending and reflective listening skills.” Now for the purpose of this roleplay, I’d like you to only use reflective listening. You don’t need to ask them any questions; you don’t need to suggest any solutions to their problem. You only need to listen and say it back in your own words, so your reply will probably begin with words like “So you think…” or “The way you see if or “You feel…” And just restate what they’ve said. Got the idea? So your friend is going to say the first of the sentences below, and wait for you to restate it in your own words. And then they’ll move on to the next sentence, and so on. Ready to play?
Watch the video below before you start. If you want to practice before getting together with somebody else, read the statements and write down your reflective listening answer. However, as you notice in the video, it is a powerful way for the other person to solve their own problem.
And now, take these sentences, give them to a friend who wants to play this with you, and use reflective listening:
I never want to go to school again!
I hate school. I used to like it but lately it sucks!
How am I supposed to like school when we do such stupid stuff.
This year we’re doing this project and each kid has to stand up in front of the class and present it. I hate that stuff!
Why should we have to do that. If I do my project, why should anyone else have to know about it.
It’s so embarrassing! I just know I’ll say something stupid, and people will laugh.
I hate to do things I’m no good at.
And of course Robert will do so well. He always does well at things in front of the class.
I wish I could do it like Robert. The teachers are always so impressed with him.
Don’t you think I should be able to do it as good as Robert? [as a reminder: this sentence needs only reflective listening. Don’t give your opinion. Just ask the person what they’re feeling and thinking]
I hate being compared to him! I think about it lots. I guess I always think I’m not as good as he is.
And anyway, everyone has their own things that they’re good at. I mean I’m really good at writing, and Robert doesn’t know what to write about at all! He always asks me.
Besides, maybe Robert used to be nervous about standing in front of the class. You’re not born standing in front of the class! Everyone has to learn.
I just wish it didn’t take me so long. And I wish I didn’t keep comparing myself to Robert.
In fact, that’s it! If I just think about what I’m doing, and forget the others, I bet I’d be better anyway.
Man will they get a surprise when they find out how cool I’m taking it.
I can’t wait to get back and find out. Thanks for listening, anyway!