Module 5.6

Welcome to Module 5.6 Return to Dashboard

[audio:http://www.transformingcommunication.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/5_Track_724.mp3|titles=Module 5.6.mp3]

Here’s another exercise, a very important exercise. It involves a rather long question. But first…

Please note that there is a long pause in this audio so you can be totally clear on what your goals are…

Think of a time that is comfortable to think of now, when you felt highly totally loved, or if those words don’t fit, a time when you felt highly valued by someone. Take the time to fully remember a specific time, a specific moment when you felt that way. If you haven’t found one easily in a short time, invent a memory. It will work perfectly anyway.

As you remember that time seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard, feeling physically your body at that time check: In order for you to feel valued in that way, is it absolutely necessary a person:
a) Show you they love or value you (look at you with a certain look, buy you certain things, take you certain places)?
b) Tell you they love or value you in a certain tone of voice or with certain words?
c) Touch you in a certain way?

Which of these three things is absolutely necessary for you to feel loved or valued? Which one is so important that even if the other two weren’t
happening, you’d feel loved or valued just with that?

At this point, when I do a live seminar of this course, I have everybody stand up and imagine a large triangle on the floor. At one corner is Visual, at another corner is Auditory, at the third corner is Kinesthetic. I ask people to go to the corner that is appropriate for this one thing that is necessary for them to feel loved or valued. If they absolutely can’t decide between what they hear and what they see, they will stand halfway between those two corners, and so on.

Everybody will then look around and notice or tune in to or get a feel for where everyone is. And the amazing thing is that people are scattered over the whole of the triangle.

This is the information that those four people I presented to you earlier were lacking! Unless an employer knows how to convey to their staff that they are highly valued, unless a teacher knows how to convey that to their students, they aren’t getting the best out of them.

In an intimate relationship, it often doesn’t matter at first. People send the message through every channel they can think of. They check every word they say; they check what they look like, what expression they have on their face; and every touch is precious and so careful. And then after a few weeks, they figure, “Okay; the message has got there now.” They often still keep sending it, but through the channel that makes most sense to them. That just may not be the one the other person needs most.

Usually feeling loved or valued is what we call in NLP a one step strategy. Some sight/sound/touch triggers the internal kinesthetic feeling of being loved/valued. When you know this about yourself and your colleagues, your family and your friends, you can ensure each of you is able to send the message when you need it most. To identify someone else’s strategy, you’d ask them the questions exactly as we did here. This is so important, I’d like you to think right now: Who do you need to know this information about?… and who needs to know this information about you?

And in the time between now and the next module I’d like you to elicit the strategy for feeling loved or highly valued of 3 people that are important to you. Ask them the above questions. Get into rapport with them.

In addition, practice reflective listening and open questions and getting in rapport/attenting. Aim to use similar sensory language to the person you’re talking to.