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Module 7.2

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Welcome to Module 7.2        Return to Dashboard

Module 7.3
Module 7.4

[audio:http://www.transformingcommunication.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/7_Track_324.mp3|titles=Module7.2.mp3]

So how do you create a win-win solution?
In a conflict of needs, two people have each developed a plan to meet their need or solve some problem, and the plans dont fit together. Let’s say I plan to use our single family car this Saturday night, to go out to a sports club meeting. When I tell my partner or spouse, my partner says he or she also planned to use the car this Saturday night (to go over and visit a friend). Obviously we can’t both use the car for the whole evening. In such a situation, most people don’t despair. They realise that what really counts is that I get to my sports club meeting, and my partner gets to visit their friend. Using the car for the night is just the particular plan, the particular solution each of us thought up to achieve these more basic goals (or meet these more basic needs, to use other words: the word ‘need’ here simply means a basic ‘want’, or goal). Once we realise this, we can invent several solutions which will fully meet both our basic goals. Here are some examples:

  • I drive my partner to the friends and pick them up after the meeting.
  • My partner drives me to the meeting and picks me up after their visit.
  • I use the car and my partner’s friend visits at our place.
  • My partner uses the car and we arrange the meeting at our place.
  • Someone else picks me up on the way to the meeting and my partner uses the car.
  • My partner’s friend picks them up and I use the car.
  • One of us gets a taxi and we share the taxi fare, while the other uses the car.

None of these solutions is a compromise, in the sense that none of them results in one of us giving up any of our basic goal. And none of these solutions is a win-lose solution where one of us uses our power to win at the other’s expense. (A compromise might be: I go to the first half of the meeting, and my partner goes for the last half of the evening – we both give up a little.
Compromises are the result of talking at the level of solutions.
Win-win conflict resolution results from talking at the level of needs.


In the ‘I win and you lose’ situation, my solution wins. I use the car. In the ‘you win and I lose’ situation, my partner’s solution wins. They get the car. We compromise (the ‘lose-lose’ situation) and we each give up part of what we want.

My basic goal or need ist to get to the Sports Club meeting. My partner’s basic goal or need is to spend time with the friend. With the win-win method we can brainstorm solutions that meet both our goals and needs.

The steps in this win-win method, the third method from the roleplay, are:

TC win win

  • Step 0: You set the stage by explaining your intention.
  • Step 1: You define the conflict in terms of basic needs and goals. Using I messages automatically describes your basic need, and reflective listening helps the other person clarify their basic need, so the Two Step is the way you do this.
  • Step 2: You brainstorm possible solutions to meet both sets of needs.
  • Step 3: You check for each possible solution, how well it meets the needs.
  • Step 4: You choose the best solution.
  • Step 5: You act.
  • Step 6: You then evaluate how well the solution is meeting both peoples needs.

For example: Transforming Communication developer Richard used the win-win method to resolve conflicts with his son Francis from when he was 3 1/2 years old, so by the time he was six he understood it fairly well (even though he couldn’t have listed the steps, he knew ‘intuitively’ how it worked). Like everyone, Richard’s not perfect, and sometimes he forgot how easily conflicts can be solved to suit everyone.

One evening, when Francis was six, he reminded Richard of this very skilfully. Richard and Francis were out visiting a friend of Richard’s, and it was later than the bedtime Francis and Richard had arranged for him (they had arranged this using the win-win method. Francis liked to be read a short story to help him relax at bedtime; Richard didn’t want to be reading or entertaining him after 8 o’clock. Having a regular 8 o’clock bedtime suited them both).

On this occasion, Richard had chosen to visit the friend as she was upset – he planned to use his listening skills – and he figured he’d be willing for Francis to stay up later this one night, so he suggested Francis watched TV while they talked.

Unfortunately, Francis seemed to want to climb over Richard as Richard listened to the friend (being climbed on is an occupational hazard of early parenthood). Richard sent him a strong ‘I-you’ message. “You can go and sleep in my friend’s spare bed, or you can watch TV, but I’m trying to listen here and I can’t do it when you climb over me.”

“Well,” Francis said, “I’d really like to sort this out so we both get what we want.”

Now, Richard had been all set to order him out of the room (after all, there are some times when maybe you have to use power, he figured). But this statement of Francis’ really hooked him. It’s a very good way to start win-win conflict resolution. If he’d said ‘Well I want to get my way”, Richard might have simply said “Forget it!” Instead, he began by saying he wanted to meet Richard’s needs too.

This was a bit embarrassing, in front of Richard’s friend, but he knew there weren’t any other solutions so he told Francis: “Yeah, I like to sort things out that way too, usually, but there isn’t any other way this time.”

“Well, I’d like us each to say what the problem is”, Francis suggested, (step one of the win-win process).

“Okay” Richard agreed thinking he’d quickly prove that the win-win method couldn’t work, and get back to listening to his friend. “My problem is I want to be able to listen to my friend, and yours is you want to play with me. Right?” (This was Richard’s attempt at an I message and reflective listening.)

“No,” Francis replied, “I’m really tired. I’d like to go to sleep but I don’t want to sleep in the spare bed because it’s a strange room and it scares me. But I don’t want to watch TV.”

Wow. This stunned Richard! It reminded him how easily we assume we know what others want, when we haven’t really listened at all. “Fair enough,” Richard countered, “but even so, we still can’t solve it. Either you watch TV or sleep in there.”

“Do you have any other ideas for solutions?” Francis asked. “No”, Richard replied, annoyed at such a silly question.

“Well, I have a few”, Francis offered, and then listed five possible solutions, each of which would solve both their concerns, (step two of the win-win process). Richard was now even more embarrassed. Francis was right. There are always more ideas.

“Okay, do any of those”, Richard agreed. “Well, I think we should check which one will work best”, Francis suggested, (step three of the process).

So they did. The solution they chose (steps four and five) was for Francis to wrap up in a blanket and lie down on the floor by Richard’s feet. In five minutes he was asleep, safe and rested; therefore, perfectly meeting his need and Richard’s. Naturally, the next day Richard checked how the arrangement went, (step six of the win-win process). “Well I guess I solved that problem last night pretty well, eh Francis?” There was an amused smile.

Often, at the start, people in a conflict are so upset they don’t believe things can ever be sorted out. When they realise they’re being listened to, they begin to remember that their ‘opponent’ is only another human being, who may also have needs and goals of their own.

Win-win conflict resolution cannot be fully used until you have understood its building blocks: I messages and reflective listening. Once you have those skills, it’s child’s play, as Francis proved.

The first step involves thinking in terms of underlying needs or goals. In the Win-Win Thinking worksheet in your manual, there are two situations. In each case, as you think about each of the people involved, ask yourself “Why has this person chosen to act the way they have? What is their intention in trying to get the solution they wanted?” Write down your guess as to their really basic intention. Then think up at least three possible ways both people involved could get their needs met, and reach their basic outcomes.