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Roleplay guidelines for resolving a conflict of needs

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Roleplay guidelines for resolving a conflict of needs

One of you is a parent and one of you is a ten year old child. Decide who is who, and then I’ll tell you the situation….

The parent
You have been wanting for some time to have a family tidy-up of the garage/shed out back of your house. Much of the stuff stored there belongs to your child, and you think a lot of it could be thrown out, but you need them there to go through it all. So you’ve put aside this coming Saturday to do that. It might take a lot of the day. It won’t be hard work, but it just takes time to sort through things. Think about how important this is to you, and how helpful you’re being.

The Child
You have got plans for this Saturday. You and your friends have arranged a trip to the beach or lake. You’re going to start out early. Think about how great this will be. It’s all arranged and everyone is telling there parents about it tonight.

So: the two of you are about to meet, and you each have something to tell the other. You’ll carry on discussing it until some decision is reached about what happens next Saturday.

Before you start though, I have some additional instructions for each of you. You don’t need to use the skills you’ve been learning here in this roleplay. When you read these instructions you may think “That’s not the way I’d do it.” But for now, so you get the experience of what happens, I’d like you to follow the instructions to the letter. So there are separate instructions for each person in the roleplay, and while you’re hearing the instructions for your role, I’d like the other person to close their eyes, cover their ears, and hum – so only you get the message. Of course you’ll need to tap them on the shoulder when it’s their turn. Okay, so here are the instructions:

Instructions For the Parent
You are going to win. The cleanout is on! Act as if your life depends on it. No Compromises! Threats, small promises are OK.

Instructions For the Child
Try at first to get your way. If it seems you can’t, give in.

Now that you’ve sorted that out, I’d like you to rewind the videotape back to the beginning. So again, you’re about to meet, and you don’t know it but you have different plans to tell each other. Stay in the same role, but this time, I have different instructions for each of you. Okay; lets try that again.

Instructions For the Parent
Try at first to get your way. If it seems you can’t, give in.

Instructions For the Child
You are going to win. The beach is on! Act as if your life depends on it. No Compromises! Threats & tantrums are OK.

Okay; one final time. Rewind the tape to the beginning, and I’ll give you the instructions for the third time.

Instructions For the Parent
Begin by explaining that you want to make sure both of you get your needs met. Reflective Listen their needs.
Tell your needs in an I message. Find a solution OK for both.

Instructions For the Child
Tell them why the beach is important. Consider their needs. Don’t accept a solution unless it meets your needs as well as theirs.

Think back to the first time, when the parent was told to do whatever it took to win, and the child was told to try and win, but if it was hard to give in. Now I realise that you may have ended up doing something a bit nicer than that, but for now just think about what was it like for the parent to win and for the child to lose?

Now think back to the second time, when the child was told to do whatever it took to win, and the parent was told to try and win, but if it was hard to give in. Again, I realise that some of you may have ended up doing something a bit nicer than that, but for now I just want you to think about what was it like for the parent to lose and for the child to win?

Generally these two results will be reversed mirror images. Win-Lose methods are all alike in result. The loser feels resentful and powerless. The winner feels both powerful and guilty.

Finally, the third time, both people were instructed to check for a win-win solution, one that worked for both people. What are some of the solutions that you came up with?

Think back to the first time, when the parent was told to do whatever it took to win, and the child was told to try and win, but if it was hard to give in. Now I realise that you may have ended up doing something a bit nicer than that, but for now just think about what was it like for the parent to win and for the child to lose?

Now think back to the second time, when the child was told to do whatever it took to win, and the parent was told to try and win, but if it was hard to give in. Again, I realise that some of you may have ended up doing something a bit nicer than that, but for now I just want you to think about what was it like for the parent to lose and for the child to win?

Generally these two results will be reversed mirror images. Win-Lose methods are all alike in result. The loser feels resentful and powerless. The winner feels both powerful and guilty.

Finally, the third time, both people were instructed to check for a win-win solution, one that worked for both people. What are some of the solutions that you came up with?