Part 7 of the transforming communication interview is here:
Richard: The amazing thing about the Transforming Communication course, I think, $is actually that these are skills that people will have used before in their live but not identified them conciously. So, the metaphor I often use is, to say to people: you know how to fall asleep at night. It’s not something I’d have to teach you how to do. But the fact is that there are some nights when it’s difficult. And those are the very nights when you need it most.
It’s when you’ve got something important on the next day.
Actually, being able to relax at night is one of the things we teach on the Transforming Communication course, but think of it in terms of relationship. You know how to create cooperative relationships, you’ve done it sometimes. You’ve had great conversations, you’ve reached agreement with people. And yet sometimes it’s the crucial times when you really needed those skills, when for some reason they don’t seem to come to the front, for some reason something the other person says triggers another response in you, and you’re not doing it the way that it’s worked before.
So, what I’m doing in the Transforming Communication course is not teaching someone something hidden and secret, mysterious, I’m actually showing them what they’ve done when they’ve been at their best.
And that’s the great thing about it, because it means that I’m not really the expert, they’re the expert. All I’m doing is guiding them through their own experiences, to recognise these specific skills that have turned up in the research. One of the important things about that is, on the Transforming Communication course we’re not just teaching a cluster of skills, so we’re not saying: here’s a skill, here’s another skill, here’s another skill, so people go home with thirty, forty different skills and wonder: wow, when do I use which one, how do I know which one to use when?
Michael: …when is what appropriate, kind of thing…
Richard: Exactly. What we’re actually teaching is a system in which you can check at any moment where am I in this whole system, which skills are appropriate in this kind of situation. And so, that system means working out: am I feeling ok, firstly, and secondly: if I’m feeling ok is the other person feeling ok. Now, when we’re both feeling ok, that doesn’t mean we forget about using skills, that’s when a relationship blossoms, when you have the ability to build rapport we would say, when you have the ability to set goals together and achieve things. That all happens in that area.
And then there’s the other area where I’m feeling ok but the other person’s not happy, they’re annoyed about something.Now often I find when people haven’t learned these skills before, they think: well I’m feeling ok, so the other person should feel ok. And getting past that is a crucial thing to realise that just because I’m feeling ok doesn’t mean the other person has to feel ok. And if they have a problem it’s worth me helping them solve it. And you hear, I’m saying: help them solve it rather than saying: me solving it for them.
Because managers, I noticed, especially, teachers, parents are good at solving problems. That’s how they got into the position they’re in. They get to be a manager because they’re good at solving problems. What they do then is they’re trying to solve everyone else’s problems. So instead working as one human being they’re working as twelve or a hundred or two hundred human beings trying to solve everyone’s problem.
So what I want to teach people for that situation where someone else is not happy, including when they’re annoyed with me, is how to listen to that other person and guide them to find their own solutions.
Then there’s another set of situations, and that’s the situation where the other person may be fine but I’m sure not happy with what went on. I’m not happy with them, I want to tell them about it. I want to tell them in a way that they will change. And here’s a bit of an art to that situation. That fact is that in those situations mostly the people that I’m working with want this other person to change, and they want to preserve the relationship as well. I mean, if they want the other person to change and they don’t give a damn about the relationship then of course they could finish it.
They could fire this person if he’s in their team, if she’s in their team, they could divorce this person or leave them if they’re in a relationship with them, and so on. But mostly what people are wanting is: how do I get my needs met AND get the other person to feel ok about the relationship still, and that’s a bit of an art.
So, the system helps people to identify which of these situations am I in, and what are the specific skills that will work for me in this situation now. If there’s a conflict between us, that’s the most complex of these situations, there are actually three different kinds of conflict really. And they require different processes to get resolved.
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Find out more in part 8 of the Transforming Communication interview…