Module 6.2

Welcome to Module 6.2 Return to Dashboard

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So far, we’ve talked about I messages as a skill to use when you own a problem, or think you may soon own a problem. Expressing yourself in an I message is also an excellent way to tell someone what you appreciate about them.

This makes your praise or compliment easier for the other person to accept, and so reduces the chance of the following confusion:

Trainer: “You’re doing really well with those mind maps Mr Smith.”
Mr Smith: “Not really. I cant seem to do it the way the consultant showed us.”
Trainer: “No, you are. You’ve only just started. You’re going great!”
Mr Smith: “Rubbish. I’ve never been any good at these sorts of things. It’s no use pretending.”
Trainer: “Don’t be so negative.”
Mr Smith: “Don’t be so bloody pushy!”

Lets try it again using I messages and reflective listening, instead of you messages.

Trainer: “I’m impressed with how much information is packed into that mind map Mr Smith.” (I message)
Mr Smith: “Well, it’s Okay, but I’m not using it the way the consultant showed us.”
Trainer: “You think you’re doing it the wrong way?” (Reflective listening)
Mr Smith: “Well, I think I’m doing it correctly, but I’m a bit clumsy with them. The consultant made it look rather easier.”
Trainer: “Compared with her you’re not so fluent, eh.” (Reflective listening) “Well, as I say, I’m impressed.” (I message)
Mr Smith: “Oh well. Thanks. I guess it’s worth continuing.”

A good I message is difficult to argue with. Mr Smith is able to hear the trainer’s comment as a fact about him. It becomes easier for him to feel good about himself when her compliment isn’t a you-message judgement. Every parent who has tried to praise a child’s painting can understand how much safer it would be to say “I love the blues and greens in your picture” than “What a good painter you are”.

I messages are powerful. It’s more powerful to say ‘I love you’ than to say ‘You’re lovable’. ‘You’re lovable’ is a mere judgement. ‘I love you’ is a personal revelation. Positive I messages can be written using the same format as ones about a problem: Behaviour, concrete effects and feelings. For example:

‘When you do the dishes without being asked, I feel really cared about. It means I can relax for the evening.’
‘Thanks for getting your work in to me on time. It meant I was able to finish my part of the job without any rush. I enjoyed doing it more and I think I did better work.’
‘I really appreciated the way you listened to me when we had that argument. It felt like our friendship was safe, even though we disagreed.’

To practice I messages and reflective listening (the 2 Step) I would like you to send at least one I message for the situation when you own a problem. In addition, send at least 3 positive I messages to people significant in your life.
Finally, Virginia Satir decided that not saying something was interfering with her ability to talk to this woman. The next time she saw her she took the plunge. “Every time I look at you,” she said, “I see you shoving those kids in the furnace.” “That’s all I see too.” Replied the woman. And the two of them burst into tears and held each other. It was a breakthrough, not just in Virginia’s ability to work with the woman, but in the woman’s ability to heal from what had happened. Virginia said it confirmed for her the central importance of people taking the freedom to see, hear, feel and say what is actually true for them. It is this freedom that I messages and reflective listening return to us.