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Welcome to Module 7 Return to Dashboard
Module 7.1
Module 7.2
Module 7.3
Module 7.4
Welcome back for the seventh module. In the last module, you learned how to formulate I messages when you own a problem so that you can change the situation, prevent a similar problem in the future, preserve the relationship, and, importantly, you can preserve the other’s self esteem. The 2 Step is an illustration of how, when you send an I message, you get out of rapport with the other person, and when you reflective listen to their response the other person feels understood, gets into rapport again, and you can re-send your I message.
In this module we will deal with the situation where an I message does not fully solve your problem, and a conflict of needs emerges. You will be learning the difference in style and results between win-lose and win-win methods of dealing with conflict. And you will understand more fully the win-win method so that you can practice it.
In the early years of their relationship, Richard and Margot, the developers of Transforming Communication, had several disagreements which weren’t being successfully resolved. They both felt hurt and confused because they understood I messages and reflective listening, and yet they couldn’t reach agreement. At times Margot would stop talking or leave the room without explaining what had happened; or Richard would carry on trying angrily to discuss what he thought needed to change in a process that would continue for up to an hour without any progress. Richard thought that if they just kept talking they’d reach agreement, but for Margot the more they talked the worse it felt.
Finally, with the assistance of a counsellor, the two of them were able to make clear I message descriptions of what happened. Margot said “When we disagree, you talk in a louder, steady voice and do a lot of explaining of your position. I start to get anxious that I’m going to forget my side of the disagreement and be talked into something I didn’t really want. I feel overwhelmed, and just do what I need to protect my position.”
Richard added “When you say less, and especially when you walk out of the room, I get anxious that you’re not willing to look at my concerns; that you’ll just go ahead and ignore them. I explain more, hoping we’ll see our way to a solution.”
This really helped each of them to feel understood, and to get a sense of where the other person was coming from. But the question was, what to do next?
Once you’ve got two conflicting sets of needs, how do you create a solution that works for both people?
That’s what we’ll deal with today.
The process we’ll be learning in this module is for a specific type of conflict however. There are two types of conflict; two reasons why, even though you’ve sent a clear I message and listened fully to the other person’s response, there is still a disagreement.
That could be because the other person doesnt believe your complaint is any of your business. They don’t think you have a ‘real’ problem at all. An example would be if you told your partner or your colleague you wanted him or her to change hair styles. Probably the other person would suspect that their hairstyle really had no concrete effect on you and was ‘none of your business’.
This situation is a conflict of values. At least one of the people in a conflict of values does not believe the other person is concretely affected (even though you may be convinced that your partner’s or colleague’s hairstyle gives you serious headaches, if they don’t believe it, it’s a values issue). Such conflicts include disagreements about religion, sexual activity, clothing styles, use of language, amount of time spent together, standards of work, and standards of behaviour. We will discuss conflicts of values in a later module.
The other kind of conflict – a conflict of needs – happens more often and is usually easier to solve. In a conflict of needs, each person can understand that the other is affected by the situation. But it seems as if, when one of them gets their way, the other will lose out. You and your partner each wanting to watch a different channel on the one TV is a conflict of needs. So is the conflict in the last story. This module deals with conflicts of needs.
At this point, in a live seminar of Transforming Communication, I would now give you a roleplay exercise to do which will explore three choices in dealing with conflicts of needs. If you want to experience what it means when I win and you lose, or when you win and I lose, or when we both find a solution that meets both our needs, I urge you to get together with a friend and roleplay the following scenarios.
Here is the first of your bonus role play activities. Yet another life enhancing fun activity: