Interpersonal Communication Skills

Interpersonal communication skills are what you use when you want others to like you and to trust you. Because, as a human being you are wired to be sociable, interpersonal skills are very useful. So, what are the most useful interpersonal skills that you can develop?

They can all be summed up underneath the umbrella term of rapport.

Rapport is very simple and straightforward on the face of it. It is however, made up of lots of small actions that go to create the overall skill.

A good analogy would be learning to walk when you are small. You first have to learn how to stand up without your legs buckling underneath you. This happens because your muscles are not yet strong enough or well enough developed. You then must learn to balance on those legs without the need to support yourself. And then you have to learn how to move one of them forward, maintain your balance and then move the other. When you’ve been doing it for years it’s easy and because you are so small when you learned how to do it, you’ve forgotten how difficult it was.

 So, back to interpersonal communication skills and rapport.

Remember, your mind and your body are one system. Because roughly 90% of all communication and therefore relationship building is non-verbal, your body language is very important. I am not talking about anything sophisticated or slick here, just simple mirroring and matching. This is where you imitate the body position of the person you are with. It should not be confused with mimicking which is where you are taking the Mickey out of the other person.

To learn how to mirror someone best, get out there and look at people, in a restaurant or cafe perhaps, who are getting on really well. You will notice that they will be almost like twins or two peas in a pod. What do I mean by that.

 What I mean is that when one lifts their left hand slightly the other will follow suit and move their hand as well. This is an unconscious response. When one laughs or smiles, the other will probably do the same. They will be talking at a similar volume and at a similar speed using a similar tone.

The reason this occurs is because of something known as mirror neurons which were first discovered at the University of Palma, in Sicily, in 1991. The neurons were discovered in the brains of monkeys and later were found in the brains of every other primate, including humans. When a monkey makes a gesture  another monkey will make a similar gesture. This is probably the origin of the saying “Monkey see, monkey do”. Human beings are no different. We are primates too and we have these very neurons in an area of the brain called Broccas area. 

The reason that mirror neurons and mirroring are important is because they allow us to recognise other entities or beings who are similar to us.  Entities or beings that are similar to us do not generally present a life threatening danger. That is why I would recommend you not practice mirroring and matching tigers or wild hyenas. Their brains are wired differently. They will probably eat you. A graphic illustration and hopefully a useful one.

So, now you’ve spent some time observing other people and seeing how mirroring and matching occur, you may have noticed something. Not only are their gestures and their actions, the language they use, the tone and volume similar. There are other things too. If you observe closely you will see that their eyes are at roughly the same level. You will notice that their body gestures and their body position is virtually identical. It is as if one is looking in the mirror at the other. Hence the name mirroring.

So far, we have only looked at the physical side of creating rapport. Mirroring, body position, volume and tonality of speech but there is more.

Beyond the physical there is the psychological. The psychological aspect of rapport relates to you being interested in the other person and them being aware of that. By being aware that you are interested in them this will allow them to feel confident and likeable. This in turn begins to lead towards emotional rapport. Because we are social animals we need to feel liked and loved.

If you go back to the savannas of Africa thousands, or hundreds of thousands of years ago, to not be liked or Loved meant you were out there on your own. It was you against predators. The predators had teeth and claws. They were hungry and you were on their menu.

You had a stick, if you’re lucky.

 Hopefully you’re beginning to see that there are deep and significant sociological and physical reasons why we behave the way that we do today. We learned millennia ago that together we are stronger. We discovered that being liked and loved, not only feels good. It also meant we got fed and usually, lived to see the next sunrise.

All of the foregoing can be translated into a modern equivalent. Your interpersonal skills will determine how well you are loved, how well you are liked. How well you eat and live and whether or not you will in fact live to see tomorrow’s sunrise. There is nothing new under the sun and no surprises. I would strongly encourage you to learn, practice and home your interpersonal communication skills. One day they may, just may, save your life.

And even if they don’t save your life, they will definitely help you to enjoy it a lot more.